Title: Caught... With Their Pants... You Know.
Author: MissAnnThropic
E-Mail: miss_annthropic@yahoo.com
Summary: script-format comedy.
Disclaimer: I own nasing! Really, I don't. All you see here (that you recognize, anyway) is the creation of someone else. I take no credit.

Fox Mulder
Dana Scully
Walter Skinner
Kimberly, Skinner's secretary

"CAUGHT... WITH THEIR PANTS... YOU KNOW."

Kimberly- "Assistant Director, Agents Mulder and Scully are here."

Skinner- "Send them in right now. Agent Mulder, Scully..."

Scully- "Sir, we–"

Skinner- "Not a word, Agent Scully... I don't want to hear one word from you until I ask for it, you understand? Sit down, both of you. I'm not in the mood for games, Agents, so don't play like you don't know what this meeting is about."

Mulder- "We believe, sir, it concerns our conduct on the latest stake-out."

Skinner- "You're damn right it does. Why don't I just read you the report filed by Agent Cansky on this little 'incident'?
'Upon failing to make contact with Agents Mulder and Scully at three o'clock as was agreed upon by the ASAC, I approached their car's location to see if anything had gone wrong. The vehicle was parked behind a cluster of bushes, so I did not see them until I was directly upon the car, coming around the corner and perceiving some abnormal movement in the front seat. The lighting was poor and the night was a dark, moonless one, so I proceeded closer as was necessary to investigate. Upon reaching the car, I discovered Agent Mulder and Agent Scully in the front driver's seat. Both agents were in a notable state of undress and turned out to be engaging in sexual intercourse.'
You mind explaining this?"

Mulder- "Which part, sir?"

Skinner- "Damnit, Mulder, don't fuck around! Oh, wait, I forgot... you already did that!"

Mulder- "Sir, I think if you'll try to calm down and let us explain–"

Skinner- "Explain! What the hell is there to explain?! I hope you're not thinking of giving me a birds and the bees lecture, Agent Mulder, or I'll toss you out on your ass right now. The car you requisitioned that night and so swiftly defiled incurred consol and dash damage, not to mention you two managed to break the adjustment mechanism on the driver's side seat."

Mulder- "We didn't mean to break the car."

Skinner- "Don't get cute with me, mister. You don't want to test me right now and you're damn lucky I don't have my gun on me at the moment. You two were supposed to be surveiling the Greanett house, instead you're breaking your FBI requisitioned vehicle acting like pubescent teenagers."

Mulder- "The damage was mostly my fault, sir."

Skinner- "As far as I'm concerned, you're both to blame. What the hell were you doing, Mulder?"

Mulder- "Well, sir... the front seat is not designed for that kind of maneuverability, so I was trying to get my leg on the–"

Skinner- "NO! I wasn't talking about THAT! I meant what did you two think you were doing."

Scully- "We're pretty sure we were having sex, sir."

Skinner- "Don't YOU get smart on me, Scully, you're in this as deep as Mulder is."

Scully- "I don't know sir, Agent Mulder was pretty..."

Skinner- "Stop! Stop right now! Damnit, I had LUNCH ten minutes ago!"

Mulder- "We could come back later."

Skinner- "I'm not sure I should leave you two alone in your office. Should I?"

Scully- "We've managed fine before, sir."

Skinner- "I don't think I like the sound of that."

Mulder- "There's no way you can hear us from up here, sir... unless sound carries through the ventilation system, and we honestly never thought of that–"

Skinner- "Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a minute... do you mean to tell me that you have been engaging in this kind of activity in your office?!"

Scully- "Well... there's no heating, and it gets pretty cold in the winter–"

Skinner- "Then you ask for a portable heater! Cold weather does NOT justify stripping down and having sex on the desk with your partner."

Scully- "Has someone been spying, sir?"

Skinner- "Ugh. Oh man... this is gonna make me sick."

Mulder- "It's not like she's a screamer, sir... actually, I think we do a pretty good job of keeping quiet considering–"

Skinner- "Agent Mulder, I don't want to hear another word... not ONE MORE WORD. However, you two having a relationship is not against any rules in itself, but it is when this fraternization occurs during work hours and on any related cases. Honestly, I don't want to deal with the headache of a lengthy OPR meeting, so I'm not going to file anything against either of you with the bureau for this little incident... this time. But let it be made clear, Agents, that this will NOT happen again. When you're on FBI time, if you so much as look at each other in the wrong way I'll have your asses up to OPR with or without clothes! That includes any desk-polishing you two had planned to grease up for. You understand me?"

Mulder&Scully- "Yes, sir."

Skinner- "Now get out of here before I decide you two deserve an OPR reaming... and keep your hands to yourselves!"

Kimberly- "Good-bye, Agents... see you next time."

Scully- "Mulder?"

Mulder- "Hmm?"

Scully- "You know how you said we should be brutally honest in that meeting?"

Mulder- "Yeah... and we were."

Scully- "Well, I still don't know if that was the smart thing to do..."

Mulder- "But?"

Scully- "But it was fun."

Mulder- "I told you it would be."

END