Title: Choice Meat
Author: MissAnnThropic
E-Mail: miss_annthropic@yahoo.com
Summary: Mulder gets coerced into participating in a bachelor's auction.
Disclaimer: I own nasing! Really, I don't. All you see here (that you recognize, anyway) is the creation of someone else. I take no credit.


The Federal Bureau of Investigation participating in a fund raising event that was going to benefit pediatric cancer patients throughout the country. Every field office and sub-division finding some way to do their part... to give back a little bit to the community and help try and save the lives of some very innocent victims... like they always did, but this time victims that were different from the kinds they normally dealt with.

It was an idea that Dana Scully could not argue with... not in the least. She'd had to go through living with cancer... and the one thing out of it she knew for sure is that she would never in a million years want that for a child.

So the bureau combining in this joint effort with the American Cancer Society she could only applaud. After all, the FBI was an organization of people who did have a genuine interest in helping people (if they didn't, they wouldn't have joined the bureau in the first place), and there were no better candidates for people willing to give to help their fellow man. And even more than that... to help children.

It had been, so far, a three month long ongoing process, field offices trying to think of ways to raise money for the pediatric oncology campaign. Some had walks, some strange contests... it was up to every field office to choose how they wished to participate.

Of course, one didn't HAVE to participate at all if they didn't want to. Though that seemed to not be the case with any of the staff Scully had come across in the J. Edgar Hoover building, and she admitted feeling strangely proud to be among people who, though they'd not shared her personal experience with cancer, were just as eager as her to help the cause.

Many chose to just donate money. That, in the end, is what Scully decided would be best to do... especially considering that the planned fund raising event happened to come on a day when she already had plans to be with her mother.

Not that Scully was all that interested in participating in the event the Washington D.C. field office had come up with.

They were going to have a bachelor auction, and as humorous as the idea sounded of seeing her male coworkers proffered up to OTHER coworkers as nothing more than fresh meat, she had to decline actual interest in doing any bidding. She wasn't sure she could bring herself to bid on someone like that. She couldn't imagine treating someone as any less human, even if it was for a good cause.

Preexisting engagement with her mother only gave her a good excuse, so she opted for the donation venue, as she would have anyway.

She ended up donating more than she probably should have... more than she would have been told by careful family members she could spare... but she was once again made proud by her company to find that most of her coworkers seemed to have done the same thing. Compassionate people who weren't afraid to open their pockets a little more to help sick children.

Scully had been especially surprised by her partner.

Fox Mulder had taken the campaign's cause to heart... more than Scully would have suspected he would. Maybe having lived through the torture of cancer vicariously through her, he had a new appreciation for the struggle that living with it was.

Scully, though she was Mulder's medical power of attorney, the executioner (and she was shocked to unintentionally learn benefactor) of his living will, emergency contact, and on record as 'next of kin', wasn't aware of Mulder's specific financial standing. It was none of her business how he lived... whether his lifestyle was barely getting by or living well beneath his means.

Scully had made her own donation without telling Mulder about it, other than the fact that it was the option she had opted for. She hadn't told him how much she'd given, and he hadn't asked... hadn't even seemed curious. It was by mere accident that Scully had discovered how much Mulder had chosen to donate.

She had been looking for the notes to a case on his desk (which was a daring task for anyone who'd ever tried to find anything in Mulder's work area), and she'd come across a check made out and signed to the pediatrics oncology drive. She glanced without meaning to at the amount, and had to stop and look again to make sure she'd read right. What Mulder had put was enough to amount to the net income of three months' paychecks.

Scully had assumed after Mulder's father and mother both died that he'd probably received some assets from their wills other than the houses (and it had only then struck her to think that Mulder, in effect, OWNED two houses... three if you counted the summer one in Quonochontaug), but it appeared Mulder's parents had been considerably more well off than either had seemed to be from looking at their lifestyles (though both had lived in nice homes). Looking at the amount Mulder had obviously signed over without much second thought, though, she had to wonder why someone as 'macho' as Mulder wasn't tooling around in Porsches or wearing strictly Armani suits, one for every week in the year. It clearly looked like he had the finances to do it.

As she left his desk, already putting the dollar amount she'd seen out of her mind, she was overcome with a completely new affection for Mulder. She had a lot of funny little things in her mental checklist of hers that her partner did that she would feel endeared by him for. This became one more. That though he talked big and acted big, Mulder was actually a very modest (and clearly generous) man. It was so like him to be content to live as he was, in a small apartment that was almost half the size of hers when it appeared he could have afforded some penthouse in the high society of upper Georgetown or Alexandria.

Apparently money was one thing Mulder didn't think about or care to interest himself in. He used it if he had to, but otherwise was content to just have it sit somewhere in a bank... out of sight, out of mind.

Scully's plans with her mother were to meet for dinner and shopping for a couch to replace the old tattered one that was now falling apart... and had been William Scully's favorite seat, on Friday. Scully hadn't wanted her mother to have to push aside Ahab's favorite perch alone, and she was kind of looking forward to reminiscing about that old couch with her mom. She had a lot of childhood memories of that ratty old couch, and she had admitted that she might want the support from her mother as much as she wanted to give it to Margaret.

Scully rested propped on the edge of Mulder's desk, back turned to him, idly thinking as she fained interest in an FBI newsletter detailing a new policy of parking garage security and maintenance (you all gotta do your part! kind of crap) while Mulder toiled at his desk on the tedium of paperwork that unfortunately tagged along with every case they investigated. It was a slow Thursday, and both were, in their own way, just kicking back and relaxing. Mulder's scribbling was not fervent and Scully's attention to her reading was waning at best.

Both were caught quite off-guard when a gruff, "Ahem," of a guttural, clearing throat sounded from the open office door.

Scully startled and looked up, turning to face the door as Mulder's eyes jerked up to the same distraction.

Assistant Director Walter Skinner stood there, gruff expression on his face as he filled the doorway as though he'd come down to shout them out for something. Of course, he always looked like he was on the hunt for someone's blood... he just had that hostile air about him. One thing for certain, it served him well as an A.D.

When she recognized the visitor, Scully pushed away from her desk-edge perch and stood to face Skinner. Mulder didn't stand to greet his superior, but he did put his pencil down and disregard his papers. For Mulder, that was about as much respect for authority as he'd show.

At least Skinner had known them long enough to see the setting aside of work as such in Mulder.

Skinner stepped into the office, looking around first as though inspecting his terrain.

Mulder bristled every so slightly at that, but Scully interceded any male territorial disputes from breaking out by asking, "Sir, is there something we can do for you?"

Skinner looked at Scully a moment, then studied Mulder just as intently, before saying, "How is everything going, Agents?"

Both Mulder and Scully stole wary glances at one another. Skinner HARDLY (make that never) came down to the basement just to hob-knob with the Spooky team. He was clearly here for something, but the shared caution in their surreptitious glances proved that neither had any idea what that might be.

Skinner stood before them, commenting, "Agent Scully, I understand you'll be out of town tomorrow."

"Yes sir... I cleared it with your office a week ago, so there shouldn't be a problem."

Skinner shook his head, "No... no problem. So, guess you'll be missing the auction tomorrow."

Scully smirked, unable to hide the hint of sarcasm that crept into her voice, "Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend, that's right."

Mulder made almost a snickering noise at Scully's remark, but it was so soft and so devoid of connotation that only Scully could hear or understand the sound he'd made.

Skinner pinned Mulder with a look, "And I expect you'll be participating, Agent Mulder?"

Scully thought she might bust out laughing right in front of Skinner, right in the middle of the office. When she looked at Mulder's expression, she thought for a split second she might lose the battle not to. Mulder looked completely unprepared for the question, and he was clearly fighting back the instinct to snap back, 'I most certainly will not!'

Mulder gathered himself, shooting an accusing look at Scully that said 'you're enjoying this, aren't you?' before trying to find an answer for Skinner.

Scully stepped toward the back area of the office... finding someplace where she could grin without being too obvious to her boss should the rest of this conversation prove as amusing as the first of it.

Mulder looked at Skinner, then at Scully, then back at Skinner again, "Well, no sir... it's for bachelors."

Skinner stared at Mulder as though he'd suddenly turned into a blundering idiot (although Mulder had made his appeal with a very controlled and serious voice), then asked in that biting tone Skinner was capable of, "Is there some marriage I wasn't aware of?"

Mulder looked again at Scully, almost as if appealing to her to help him as he explained, "No sir... but that thing's going to be all FBI agents."

Skinner's brow furrowed while at the same time his mouth quipped in a confused grimace that was very typical of Walter Skinner.

Mulder shrugged, "Everyone in the bureau calls Scully and me Mister and Mrs. Spooky... I think that disqualifies me, sir."

Scully wasn't sure whether to feel sympathetic for Mulder for trying so desperately to make himself unable to participate, or grumble at him for trying to use tacky office gossip as an excuse. Although, if the situation was reversed, she supposed she'd be just as desperate to find a way out as Mulder was.

Skinner stared at Mulder, pinning him with his look.

Finally, he spoke, "Nice try, Mulder. Of course, this IS on a voluntary basis, so I can't MAKE you participate... I just thought I'd come down here and merely recommend that you do."

Scully grimaced, knowing exactly what Skinner really meant just as well as Mulder did. Their direct superior STRONGLY RECOMMENDING anything was the same as ordering. One thing was for certain... Mulder would be in some serious bad standing if he blew this thing off after Skinner's strong suggestion.

Of course, Scully could understand Skinner's point of view, too. 'Spooky Mulder' or not, there was a very solid fan following Mulder had in the female staff at the bureau. Mulder worked it just enough to get a few of the women to openly flirt with him to his egotistical delight, but he had no idea of the real scope of his popularity in the estrogen persuasion of the bureau. He thought the women were just attracted to him enough for him to be able to give them a compliment and a smile and get whatever he needed done, but in reality his sexual appeal had much farther reaching grandeur that poor, naive Mulder had no clue about.

Scully, being in on the female loop around the office, knew of Mulder's fan base in the women of the bureau. She'd caught snippets of more lude comments and suggestive quips about her partner that would have put all of Mulder's little sexual innuendoes to Scully over the years to shame. Mulder could just give one of the women in the female staff a dark, smoldering look and they'd probably sign over their first born to him.

Of course, Mulder was completely unaware of the lusting harem he had in the dark undercurrents of the bureau water cooler female populous. Scully sure as hell would never tell him. How insufferable would Mulder be if he found out that half the women in the building would not decline an offer to have his baby? Okay... it might not be THAT bad, but when the Mulder Harem was in a feisty mood it could seem that steamy.

To put it lightly, if someone in the bureau chose to take FBI employees and write a romance novel, Mulder would NOT be the diminutive stable boy who cleaned up after Hans's stallion.

Although they might find a way to relate Mulder to the WORD 'stallion'.

For this reason, though, Scully could understand Skinner's position for requesting/ordering Mulder go to this dehumanizing bachelor auction.

There were women who were drooling ravenously over him for years without him knowing it... given the chance to buy one night with him... Scully could call up a mental list of about ten women who'd jump at the opportunity off the top of her head without effort.

Skinner, while Scully had been contemplating her boss's position, let his stance grow less hostile and his voice more conversational as he said more kindly, "It's for a good cause, Mulder."

Mulder pursed his lips, thinking. Scully was fully expecting him to mention the rather generous donation he'd made already.

But he didn't.

Mulder nodded, and said without force, "I didn't say it wasn't, sir... I agree it is."

Skinner asked, somewhat hopefully, "Then shall I be seeing you tomorrow night?"

Mulder sighed heavily, pushing back from his desk and scowling for only a moment before relenting, "Yes, sir."

Skinner nodded, then turned to leave, as he did so making eye contact with Scully.

Something brief and understanding passed between them... a secret between the two about pouting Mulder at the desk that he was unaware of. Scully knew and Skinner knew of the Mulder Harem... and they both knew the other was fully aware of the strange female following Mulder had. Only Mulder didn't know... so he just felt like the victim of very bad office politics.

Skinner left without a word about Mulder's little clique of followers, instead bidding Scully farewell and disappearing.

Scully turned back to Mulder, smiling sadly at his countenance.

One would think someone had just told him that your friendly neighborhood Ratboy was back in town and looking to have a few beers with old buddy Fox Mulder.

Scully commented, "Cheer up, Mulder... it's not like they get to elicit sexual favors."

Mulder seemed blanch at the thought, then frowned angrily, "You know, Scully, if it were women up there instead of men we'd be busted for sexual harassment."

Scully nodded, "Yeah, I know... just happens to be the one time the double standard favors the women."

Mulder grumbled, "This is just nothing but male prostitution."

Scully smiled, almost chuckling, "Mulder... you'll be fine. I promise no one will..." then she thought better of what she'd been about to assure, "...if anyone tries to jump your bones you can call me and I'll come get you."

Mulder's mood lifted at the teasing, "My knight in shining armor, Scully?"

Scully leered faintly, "Fluke monsters and little green men, why not dragons?"

Mulder chuckled... probably picturing a little too literally Scully wielding a sword at some fire-breathing menace.

Scully shrugged, "It'll be fine, Mulder. You'll be armed, right?"

Mulder shuddered theatrically, "You bet your ass I will be... oh, and since we're on the subject of your ass..." and Mulder's eyes twinkled at her.

Scully only managed to glare at him for a second, thankful to see he was in a better mood. If only he knew how many women would die to know the things he tauntingly said to her when they were bantering in the office like this.

Mulder sighed heavily, "Well... there goes my night of watching the Battlestar Galatica marathon."

Scully shook her head, commenting under her breath as she reclaimed the paper she'd been reading before Skinner came in, "Mulder, anything has to be an improvement over your entertainment endeavors."

****

Scully didn't see Mulder again after she left work on Thursday. He'd said good-bye to her with a noticeable look of dread for the day to come and more than a few hints that she would be a good friend to reschedule her day with her mother and come to the aid of one FBI partner. He even seemed to perk up to the idea of being 'bought' if he had his way about the buyer. Scully had declined, though, assuring Mulder her mother had been waiting to do this with her for a while... not to mention Scully didn't have the spare money to pay what she was sure Mulder would go for. In the back of her mind as she left, she was certain he wouldn't be released for anything less than 200 dollars.

When she came in Saturday, Mulder was already at his desk, immersed in his papers. Though he was unaware of her presence, Scully could already see a clearly distastful expression on his face and braced herself. Fox Mulder was in a distinctly bad mood.

Scully greeted him kindly, "Good morning, Mulder... how was your date?"

Mulder looked up at her question, glaring at her a moment in memory of last night, then almost growled angrily as he complained, "That was THE single most excruciating night of my life... and I'm counting the time I was held prisoner in the Russian camp."

Scully smiled, a genuine smile at Mulder's assessment of the night. "That bad?"

Mulder set down his work with a flourish of bottled anger, grimacing, "You have no idea, Scully. I think some severe psychological damage may have been done."

Scully laughed, moving to hang her coat on the rack by the door. She was actually surprised Mulder had relented to the bachelor auction. He'd already donated a large amount of money to the cause... he'd given up the argument with Skinner fairly easily in her opinion. Scully could only assume that Mulder must really want that much to help the children with cancer if he was so willing to submit himself to that kind of torment. And Scully knew her partner thought of it like that. Mulder was just sensitive about some things, and while being eyed by a woman was one thing, being stripped of any real humanity and paraded like goods was another matter. Mulder had a sore spot for things that took away his sense of person and individuality. He depended so wholly on just his character and individuality most of the time that to have it taken away was very upsetting for him.

All Thursday night and Friday, Scully was thinking in the back of her mind that Mulder would back out of the auction at the last minute (most likely by just pulling one of his disappearing acts). It was just something she knew he would hate. But apparently, she was wrong. She had to give him points for having an even bigger heart than she anticipated (and it wasn't often that Scully underestimated the power or reach of Mulder's heart).

Mulder's voice grew in pitch and became indignant, "And you know what they did?"

Scully looked at him, moving toward the desk as she waited for him to continue.

Mulder sneered, "Well, first of all, they had this damn stripper music playing in the background the whole time, but as soon as I get out there... you wanna guess what they put on?"

Scully wouldn't even hazard to try. She sat down in the seat before his desk, waiting silently for him to continue.

Mulder leaned forward, meeting her gaze in his still unvented fury and frustration at the night, "Does the song title 'Sharp Dressed Man' mean anything to you?"

Scully nearly choked on a laugh, sputtering instead, "ZZ Top?!"

Mulder scoffed in disgust, "YES! Can you believe that?! They corrupt one of the greatest rock and roll songs of all time by playing it during that... abomination of human society."

Scully smiled, trying to bring down his temper as it seemed she had to do fairly often, "At least it wasn't something retched... they could have broke out into country western."

Mulder fumed silently, not willing to concede that the night could have been any worse than it was. Scully was acutely aware of that fact that, while Mulder complained and griped about the entire night, he didn't say he wished he hadn't gone. One thing Mulder DID have without doubt was a very large capacity for suffering in the interest of others. Again, she felt a touch of compassion for him... unbearable though he was at some times.

Scully couldn't resist it any longer, "So... who purchased the pleasure of your company?"

Mulder mumbled under his breath, "Jennifer Peters."

"Agent Peters?" Scully parroted in surprise. Jennifer was, without question, a member of the Mulder Harem, but one of the more passive ones. She was more of a voyeur in that she listened to the gossip and talk, but rarely participated. She seemed like a nice woman... Scully could never remember her adding to the grossly detailed imaginative stories the Harem liked to circulate amongst themselves.

Mulder nodded, "Or 'Jenny', as I was told to call her last night."

Scully mused absently, "She always seemed like a decent person..."

Mulder made an incredulous noise, "Ehh... a night with her was like being dragged over the keel of a ship."

Scully smiled, "Oh come on, Mulder... it couldn't have been that bad... what happened?"

Mulder jumped at the bait, more than ready to complain to someone about the cruelty of his night, and Scully supposed she owed it to him to listen to everything he had to say... after all, she'd made no effort to help him get out of the auction. Besides, once he got it out he'd probably lighten up about the whole affair.

"First of all, the whole damn night she calls me 'Fox'. 'Fox' this, and 'Fox' that... didn't matter how many times I told her 'Mulder... it's Mulder, okay?'. Then at dinner, well first off, she wanted Mexican, so I figure, 'fine... I'm not hungry anyway'," Scully nodded, knowing Mulder liked good old American food like hamburgers and barbecue or if going foreign something like Chinese... regardless, not a big fan of Mexican or TexMex, "so we're sitting there eating something that looked amazingly like roadkill, and at one point she reaches over and forks something off my plate... just casually like we were on a real date or something, snags one of my... food items. Then she wants to spend a couple of hours just talking... TALKING, about personal stuff. She starts asking about my childhood and my likes and dislikes..."

Scully smiled at his ranting, secretly trying to bite her tongue from telling him that's what NORMAL people did on dates. Of course, last night wasn't really a date... it was a means to raise money for a good cause. But it also occurred to Scully that everything Mulder was complaining about 'Jenny' doing were things that Scully either had done with Mulder or could do without him thinking anything of it. She knew Mulder's childhood and his likes and dislikes almost inside out, and had been known in the past to steal French fries from his plate... his response was which only to lay out more ketchup in case she wanted it.

Although, she had to concede that not even she was allowed to call him Fox.

Scully felt almost guilty now, thinking 'oh, Mulder... no wonder you wanted me to go last night and rescue you. Hell, we probably would have had a good time doing that kind of stuff. Now that I realize you anticipated last night to entail activities you already damn well knew you could only feel comfortable doing with me.'

Mulder finished his rant while she was thinking, ending with a big sigh and clearly feeling much better once he'd been able to let it all out.

Scully gave him her most empathizing look.

Mulder deflated, seemingly purged of his foul mood, and asked rather sedately, "How's your mom?"

Scully sat up in her chair from the listener slouch she'd assumed, "Wonderful... she sends her love."

Mulder paused to smile gently to himself, a genuine, tender expression playing over his features a second. Scully had seen it before, but she never did understand the thing between Mulder and her mother. Maggie Scully seemed to adore Fox Mulder, and Mulder clearly had a soft spot for the elder Scully matriarch. Scully never did find out what specifically happened when she'd been abducted, but obviously Mulder and Maggie had become friends in that time.

Still, it was hard for Scully to try and say casually to Mulder that her mother sends him her love.

Mulder nodded slowly, "Send her mine, would you?"

Scully nodded, mentally shaking her head to herself in perpetual confusion.

Scully pushed aside the mystery, looking directly at Mulder and asking, "So... how much did you go for?"

Mulder stopped, looking at her in silent suspicion and wariness.

Scully smirked, "Come on, Mulder, what's the market value on this slab of meat partner I keep dragging around?"

Mulder remained strangely quiet. Instead, he shuffled his papers and said, "Probably not enough to compensate for the trouble I'm worth."

Scully smiled, but inside she was wondering why Mulder would be reluctant to tell her how much he'd gone for. He wasn't embarrassed, was he? He couldn't have gone cheap, Scully just refused to see that as a possibility... not with all the talk she'd had to listen to for years. What, had he gone for 30 bucks or something?

Mulder said quickly as he distracted himself with the piles of paper on his desk, "I don't want to talk about that night anymore, Scully... or ever again, for that matter. Let's just pretend it never happened."

Scully decided not to push him, standing and saying, "I'm going for some coffee, want some?"

Mulder shook his head as he buried his nose in one of his files.

Scully turned and headed out of the office.

****

She was standing before the coffee machine waiting for the line to clear enough for her to get a cup. In her right hand was a can of iced tea she'd snagged from the vending machine. Mulder might turn down coffee, but she knew he wouldn't pass up an iced tea. She was even considering trying to find a machine with sunflower seeds in it (might as well try and improve his mood a little after his date last night) when Agent Sarah Dreen came up to her, "Agent Scully... didn't see you at the auction last night."

Scully internally sighed frustration to herself that she would have to talk to someone, then put on her slightly more friendly facade, "Yeah... I had earlier plans."

Dreen nodded, "Too bad... it was entertaining."

"Of that I have no doubt."

Dreen moved to walk off, giving Scully thankful reprieve in the short conversation, but Sarah stopped and turned, "Oh... and tell Agent Mulder congratulations."

Scully hesitated, confused, "For what?"

Dreen smiled mischievously, "He was the top sell last night, didn't you hear?"

Scully shook her head, finally letting her curiosity get the best of her, "Exactly how much did he go for?"

Dreen cocked her head, "He didn't tell you?"

Scully shook her head, "No... he's being real quiet about it."

Dreen smirked, the type to feel a greater obligation to a fellow woman just because she was female, "Well, certainly nothing to be ashamed of... your partner sold for 600 dollars last night."

Scully's mouth nearly popped open as Dreen flashed her a casual smile and turned, moving off down the halls.

600 DOLLARS! Scully couldn't even wrap her head around the notion. Someone paid 600 dollars for one night with Mulder... and not even anything more than a date!

Scully silently got her coffee then found a snack vending machine that had Mulder's beloved sunflower seeds, still thinking about Dreen's request to have Scully congratulate Mulder on his big sell.

Scully smirked as she moved toward the elevators, coffee cup in one hand and iced tea and sunflower seeds in the other.

She was sure Mulder wouldn't mind if he didn't get that message.

END