Title: Lost Children
Author: MissAnnThropic
E-Mail: miss_annthropic@yahoo.com
Spoilers: Empedocles
Summary: During their talk in the hospital hallway, Doggett and Mulder discuss lost children.
Disclaimer: I own nasing! Really, I don't. All you see here (that you recognize, anyway) is the creation of someone else. I take no credit.



John Doggett studied Fox Mulder in pensive silence, wondering if he could let himself believe anything he was saying. Evil being a contagion? It seemed ludicrous and clear all at the same time.

But maybe John just wanted it to be true... to know that there had been something he couldn't fight that had taken away Luke. That nothing he could have done would have changed the outcome and was not to blame.

John shook his head; he was just looking for a way to not feel guilty for not finding Luke soon enough. For not saving him. As appealing as that did sound, he didn't want it. He wanted the pain and the guilt, not only because he deserved it, but because it reminded him why he was in this line of work. If he lost sight of the goal of stopping this kind of pain, he'd stop making a difference... he'd stop helping people avoid the situation he'd found himself in. And he never wanted to feel any relent to his feelings about Luke after all these years.

John scowled to himself, saying as he did so, "I can't believe that, Agent Mulder."

Mulder shrugged, his eyes relenting. He seemed to know somehow what John meant, and he wasn't going to insist on anything. John unexpectedly found himself thankful for that, and for a moment the fact they were standing in a hospital hallway disappeared and John found himself saying, "I know you mean well, Agent Mulder... but I can't let myself believe that. It might not make sense, but you don't know what it's like to lose a child."

If John had not been watching Mulder at the moment he said it, he would have missed it. But he was, so he saw the instantaneous flash across Mulder's face.

At Doggett's words, something very pained and brief flashed across Mulder's face, a twitch of almost physical hurt moving through his facial muscles and causing a short scowl. He looked as though Doggett had physically slugged him, though he'd merely spoken.

John blinked, not sure what to make of Mulder's reaction. DID Mulder know how it felt to lose a child?

He decided to ask, "Or do you?"

Mulder looked up, meeting John's eyes hesitantly. He was quiet a long time, not speaking and checking over his shoulder to Scully's door that he stood in front of, glancing into the little window to see that Scully was still sleeping in her hospital bed.

Mulder slowly turned his attention back to John, asking faintly, "Do you know about Emily Sim?"

Doggett did all too well. It was perhaps the strangest X File in the whole basement, and it had endeared Dana Scully to him as a similarly suffering soul. He'd read that one more than once, stunned as hell to find Scully in an X Files (after the already bizarre Duane Barry file) that included the shocking revelation that Dana Scully had a daughter.

"Yeah... little girl... Agent Scully's little girl. The one who died of an anemic disorder a couple of years ago."

Mulder nodded, crossing his arms tighter against his chest as though to protect himself from hurt, "I knew about her long before Scully did... at least the possibility of her. Long story, but I didn't want Scully to know because I knew it would hurt her." Mulder dropped his head, eyes falling to the floor in resignation. John had never seen Mulder deflate like this before... not from the agent who always seemed coiled for action. It told Doggett just how close to Agent Mulder's heart this case was... how much it still moved him (positively or negatively) to speak of it. He was obviously warming up to the subject.

Doggett nodded, allowing a moment of honesty and openness as he commented, "Reading that Agent Scully had lost a child too made me look after her more closely... I knew how it would hurt her for something to happen to the baby she's carrying now."

Mulder nodded, "Scully loved Emily. It didn't matter to her that she'd missed out on years of the girl's life... she loved her like a mother would. It hurt to watch her watch Emily die."

John nodded, "I know... my wife, when Luke died..." then Doggett trailed off, a connection jumping to him and he decided to lay it right out there in the open (Mulder had proven the type who did not like to play games), "were you Emily's father?"

Mulder flinched faintly again, but even as he did so he shook his head, "No... I wasn't."

John sensed a 'but' coming, "But..."

Mulder sighed, "But... I felt like I was. I know it doesn't really make sense, but Emily felt like my daughter, too. I loved Emily."

John didn't know Mulder that well, but short experience and what he'd heard through rumor for years told him that Fox Mulder was not the type to take a child into his heart like his own... especially not one he'd barely had time to get to know. Even without knowing Mulder like Scully did, Doggett knew what Mulder had confessed was big for the agent.

John glanced at the hospital door, "Does Agent Scully know that?"

Mulder shifted away from the door as though it had grown hot, "No... I never told her."

"Why not?"

Mulder closed his eyes a moment, implying a look over his shoulder as he answered in a slightly painful voice, "I didn't want to take anything away from her. It was HER daughter, and she was the one who really lost her... I didn't want to interrupt her grieving... to tell her I was too."

Mulder looked up, considering Doggett a moment before shrugging weakly and proclaiming outright as though it were the answer to all Doggett's questions, "She was Scully's daughter."

John glanced down the hallway, thankfully sparse of staff at the time before he opened his past pain up to this relative stranger, "Losing Luke... my wife thinks it was hardest on her, but..."

"But that was because you kept it inside," Mulder offered.

John nodded, "Exactly. It hurt me just as much to lose him."

Mulder nodded sincerely, "I know."

John sighed, "You know, Agent Mulder. I don't think you are barred from grieving any more than Agent Scully just because you weren't the girl's biological parent. If you felt like Emily's father, in my opinion, you have every right to miss her like she WAS yours."

Mulder smirked painfully, "I do... but Scully doesn't have to know."

John frowned, "She might want to know."

Mulder shook his head, "We keep a lot to ourselves, Agent Doggett. We hurt for the same things alone... that's the way we've always been." Mulder shrugged again, but with a resolve that told Doggett that Mulder was going to be very stubborn on this issue. Still, as one who knew from experience, he felt he had to try.

Doggett thought a moment, "Children are different, Agent Mulder. No one should miss a child alone."

Mulder shook his head again, "It's hard to explain, Agent Doggett, but Scully doesn't need to know I considered her daughter my own. There's too much to be read into that."

"Anything false?" Doggett accused lightly, eyes studiously studying Mulder's reply in body language.

Mulder shrugged, not answering, eyes dropping away from Doggett once again.

Doggett looked again at the hospital door leading to Scully's room, thinking long and hard before answering, "I'm gonna do everything in my power to keep Agent Scully and her baby safe, Agent Mulder. I've promised her and I've promised myself. Hopefully, you two won't have to grieve the loss of another child."

Mulder met John's eyes squarely, both men considering one another sincerely and at length, finally answering, "I won't lose this one, Agent Doggett. I'd give my life not to."

John pushed off the wall he'd been leaning against, offering in his softest and most honest tone, "I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter."

Mulder stepped away from the wall, moving toward the elevator and coincidentally nearer to John as he said in return, "I'm sorry about your son."



****



The two male agents left their post outside Scully's door, Scully listening to their departure with her eyes tactfully closed. As she had been for a good five or ten minutes.

When she was certain they were gone, she opened her eyes as the tears ran down her cheeks, and a sad but touched smile lighting upon her tight lips.

She had heard every word they both said.

She had heard Mulder's confession about Emily.

And in a strange way, it felt good to know someone else missed Emily like she did. She knew Mulder was afraid she'd feel indignant or angry if he told her how he felt, but she didn't. She wasn't angry at him for embracing the girl Dana had only been able to love in life for a few days but in her heart a lifetime. Scully could never rebuke anyone for loving Emily.

And she did not begrudge Mulder missing her like a father would.



END